My first encounter with the stroking technique that ultimately became OM came when I met a cute guy at a party. He gave me what I thought was the best pick-up line I’d ever heard. He said he wanted to put his attention on my orgasm for 15 minutes and I didn’t have to do anything in return. I still can’t quite believe I said yes but I did, and that’s how I first practiced it. I became very interested in the experience not just physically but mentally. I had been planning to move into the San Francisco Zen Center at the time, and I found it quieted my mind in much the same way meditation did. So I found out where he’d learned it, and went and lived with a community that was teaching it. Later I studied with a teacher named Ray Vetterlein, who became my mentor. He’d learned it in the 60s and taught it right up until he passed away last month.

At a certain point I realized I could marry the practice with everything I’d learned along my path of personal development, from Kabbalah to Zen. So with Ray’s encouragement I took the practice and made it into Orgasmic Meditation. I changed the technique in certain ways and began to lay down a philosophy that went with it. That philosophy is what ultimately came to be “Slow Sex.” It’s what makes OM different from other stroking practices out there.

2. The purpose of OM is not to orgasm, but to slow down and feel sensation. Why do you think it is important to focus on sensations rather than climax?

Most women are not having the sex they want to have. We want sensation and connection, but most of us are having goal-oriented sex that gets progressively faster and harder. Speed and pressure numb a woman’s most sensitive spot—her clitoris—so she has to work harder and harder to get the sensation she wants. By slowing down and re-learning how to feel, it’s possible to get exponentially more sensation with a fraction of the effort.

OM or Orgasmic Meditation does just that. It increases a woman’s capacity to feel arousal and sexual sensation, a little bit at a time. What you discover is that you don’t need to go faster and harder to feel heightened sensation. You can’t help but feel it! And that’s why I’ve discovered that the best sex is the slowest sex: the kind where you don’t want to move an inch.

3. If an orgasm is a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, then if I understand OM right, the OM practice is about riding the waves of 0-9 for the sheer joy of riding those waves. By taking the goal of orgasm out of the equation, more pleasure may be derived. And by that sense can someone use OM for a “regular” sex practice? And if used in a “regular” sex practice is OM about delaying orgasms or just not focusing on them and riding the 0-9 waves?

You’re exactly right when you say that by taking any goal—climax or otherwise—out of the equation, suddenly the whole game shifts. OM is about finding the deepest pleasure available in each moment, right now, regardless as to whether you are having a climax. So no, it’s not at all about delaying orgasm. It’s about experiencing a new definition of orgasm—one that is far more broad than the specific moment of climax. One that takes into account every single tingle, every shiver, every swirl of heat and wave of chills that comes through you when you are in connection with another human being.

The principles of OM can definitely be taken into your “regular” sex life! In fact, they can be taken into every aspect of your life. They are all about noticing the sensations of pleasure in your body. Most of us spend our lives, and perhaps especially our sex lives, in our heads. We are constantly thinking about what we should be doing, thinking, feeling. What OM teaches us is how to put our attention on what we’re actually feeling, right now. The result is bigger than the sum of its parts! Everything starts to come alive.

4. The practice of OM is done with a partner. Can is also be practiced alone?

The practice does require a partner. It’s a touchy subject to say that a woman cannot experience this kind of orgasm alone, but it’s the truth for the simple reason that you cannot take yourself out of control. Just like you can’t tickle yourself, you cannot take yourself out of your own volition. Being out of control is the thing we crave most. It is the experience of orgasm. That’s why we enjoy climax so much: for one split second, we are taken out of the driver’s seat. We lose ourselves, quite literally, in sensation.

But with climax, that experience of being out control lasts only for a split second. The kind of orgasm that can be experienced through OM—an orgasm that is emerging as more natural to women—can last a full 15 minutes or longer. But it only works when there’s another person behind the wheel. The person being stroked can ask for adjustments, but on the whole she is surrendered to the person who is stroking her and her only “goal” is to lose herself in sensation.

5. Your book Slow Sex is based from your years of experiences running One Taste which is online media, courses, and coaching for individuals and couples in orgasm, relationships, and communication. What is the biggest thing you have learned in running One Taste and in writing Slow Sex?

I have learned so very much, I have no idea how to narrow it down! I’ve learned that yes, it’s a crazy idea to open a center devoted to female orgasm. And I’ve learned that as crazy as it is, it can still work. I’ve learned that if you say you’re teaching orgasm, only men show up. But if you say you’re teaching female orgasm, you get about 50% men and 50% women. I’ve learned that what seems like simple common sense logic to me (i.e. that orgasm is the common denominator between all of us, and thus we should all be talking about it) is incredibly confronting for a whole lot of other people.

But perhaps above all else, I’ve learned that being full of orgasm is the key to having a happy life. It’s what makes it possible for me to stop focusing on myself and start connecting with others. OM keeps me feeling satiated and hydrated enough that I can truly connect with everyone in my life: with my partner, my colleagues at OneTaste, my clients, and everyone I meet and interact with on a daily basis. Orgasm is what makes this work so rewarding and so much fun. I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life.

6. Because your work is based on guiding others through Orgasmic Meditation, do you find your own practice of OM challenging?

Not at all! I would say it’s the opposite. I teach OM because I love it so much. It’s a very personal experience for me. OM changed the entire direction of my life. And then there’s the fact that it’s just fun. I practice it every day because I want to! But don’t take it from me—I encourage everyone to try it themselves. You worst thing you might lose is 15 minutes. The best thing you might lose is your sense that you aren’t getting everything you crave from your sex life—and your life as a whole.

Thanks for your bravery to share your skills, Nicole. More “Slow Sex” and Nicole here.

Freedom of Fetish Episode 14.0

Paper Bag Press Author Interview: Mia Martina

Thanks for a good time, Gray. Hope we can do it again. Next time with rope.

Check it out here.